We may never grow up!

After 10 years of marriage, you would think Josh would learn to pick his battles. And since we are both in our mid 30’s you would think we could act like grown ups occasionally. That’s a big fat “nope” to both

So this summer Josh ( I mean “We”) got a new car. It’s pretty and has all sorts of fancy features. He does not like to share “his” car, but that doesn’t stop me. Until yesterday. I was headed to a meeting last night and he was off to baseball with Memphis. I offered to move his car to our upper driveway and load the baseball stuff. When I asked where the keys were he got all weird and later said “I don’t want you driving my car.” I could have been a grown up about it and said “ok” and let it go or I could have yelled at him or I could be a little shit. Guess which option I picked? Of course I chose to handle the situation with the utmost maturity. I discussed my plan of action with my best friend and she seemed to approve.

I was able to make it home before Josh. So “Operation I don’t Like to Share” was put into effect. I knew I was on borrowed time and wouldn’t have time to complete my long list of ideas. I picked to the top two that I knew would get his attention.

Exhibit A-

I removed and hid the cord and battery pack from MY laptop.

Exhibit B

 I purchased the sheets that are currently on our bed. So I removed them from his side of the bed and put the comforter back on like nothing happened. This was more of a backup in case he didn’t use the laptop.

After the kids were in bed and we sat down to watch TV, I kept wishing he would grab the laptop. Finally he did get up to get it. At this point, my brain decided to think logically for a change. What if he didn’t think it was funny? My brain shrugged and said “oh well there was always a chance an argument was going to happen regardless.” I am happy to report he thought the laptop and sheets were funny and the keys to his car keys are back where they should be.

Why Can’t You Hear a Pterodactyl Going to the Bathroom?

Because the pee is silent. I couldn’t think of a good title for this post, so I used a joke. Everyone wins.

How do I thank my hubby for letting me borrow his new car? With shenanigans of course!

Step 1

Replace his music memory card with a card full of kiddie music. I made sure that the first two songs were about dinosaurs and the volume was way up.

(Yes, the time was 1:53 am. I had been up giving Piper breathing treatments every 2 hours. So I can blame this idea on sleep deprivation right?)

Step 2

Have Bo write a note or 2

For you youngins  Walk The Dinosaur

Throw Back Thurs.- Holy Schnakies

This is an old email I sent to my family.  My daughter Piper was only a few months old. I added my husband’s reply for your added enjoyment.

Subject: Holy schnakies!

So let me catch some of you up to speed. There is a snake in my driveway. I don’t like snakes. Being a protective mom has not helped my fear of snakes. Ok so now you know all you need to know. I tried to figure out what kind it was by looking online. Apparently, I can only handle so many snake pics in one day. I wasn’t sure if I was going to cry or throw up (or both) so I stopped. However after some serious scientific research (which included standing on a chair with a broom chucking pieces of 2×4 at the snake), I have concluded its dead. I did take a pic. which is included. You can zoom in and see the detail. Do not write back and ask me to get closer to take a pic. It will not happen! Do not email me back and tell me how small it is and how I am just a big sissy. I do not see any of you here snuggling with it. Let me know what you think it is.

Steph

Dear Sissy-Lala

It has been a long time since I have gone fishing, but that sure looks like a worm I would have used.

By the way, you better get that wood back!

Josh

Note- It turned out to be a garter snake

The ER trip

I have had a bunch of people asked what happened and why I was so sick last week. Now that I am feeling better I thought I would fill you all in.

I had a horrible couple of weeks. I had a headache for a week straight and that turned into a 2 week migraine. Lots of fun let me tell you!  It got so bad that last Tues (9/24) I couldn’t stand or do anything. I couldn’t keep ay food or liquids down. I got the kids to school safely and come home and slept (until I started puking). I called Josh at work and told him what was going on. He said to call the neurologist and he would be home early.

I called my neuro. I asked to speak to my Dr.  They were extremely helpful (sarcasm) when they called back. Not only would they not let me talk to my Dr they also said there was nothing they could do and I should go to the ER. I am glad I pay so much for their help.

I took Piper to dance and then Josh met me at home and took me to the ER. I thought the wait wouldn’t be too bad (for an ER) on a Tues early evening.  Boy was I wrong. They were swamped. I checked in and found a chair and curled up into a ball. A customer rep. came up and said “You look like you have a migraine. Do you want some warm blankets?” I said yes. She proceeded to wrap me up like a burrito.  I sat there for hours. Josh and Memphis left to pick up Piper and get some dinner. The customer rep came around again and said I look terrible and she would try to get my pushed up on the list.

Not long after, I was called back to triage. I had the blankets still wrapped around me like a mummy. They had to help unwrap me so they could get my blood pressure, pulse, temperature. Both my pulse and blood pressure were sky high. The nurse said she was going to bump me up o the list. Back out to the waiting room I went. The customer rep came around again and gave me fresh warm blankets.

Finally, I was called back to a room. The nurse came in and asked me a million questions.  Thankfully she turned off the lights. She asked me to put on a hospital gown. I did, but I found out there was a huge tear in the front so I kept on my bra. I am really glad I did because the next thing she asked me to do was pee in a cup. So I got to walk around the ER with pee cup in hand and my right boob hanging out.  I hope the other patients liked my cheetah print bra. I was too sick to care. When I got back she put a heart monitor on me and hooked up my blood pressure cuff.  Every time my pulse or blood pressure was too high the machine beeped. There was a lot of beeping. The customer rep came back in and gave new blankets again.

Just as the Dr came in my room so did Josh and the kids. The Dr asked me if I had been throwing up. I said yes . Then his phone rang and he was called out to an emergency. About 30 min. later, he came back in and asked if I could tell him how much I had “puked”. I said “Yes,  a bowl of cereal and a cup of juice all day and then some.”  He was impressed how precise I could be. Then his phone rang again and out he went to another emergency.  After a really long time he came back and said the nurse would be in to give me some IV meds. to make me feel better.

No one came in for a very very very long time. Josh actually went out and found the nurse. She said she was on her way in. Apparently it takes 30-40 mins to walk around the desk and the 5 feet to my room. She came in and saw the kids and how freaked out they were. She was great about explaining everything she was doing to them. First she had to get some blood work from me. It hurt like hell. She said it was because I was so dehydrated and then my vein blew. So she had to put in a new IV line. Not fun. The kids weren’t thrilled with the amount of blood that came out of my arm. The nurse explained that meds could make my pulse, blood pressure, and oxygen plummet. Boy was she ever right. As soon as she put in the last of the meds, I started feeling funny. She put me on oxygen to help. The she started some fluids to rehydrate me.  

I finally talked Josh and the kids into going home for a while. I could tell none of them wanted to leave but there was no reason for them to stay. I was pretty spaced out because of the meds so I just stared at the TV for a while. I had no sense of time. I watched Big Bang Theory for hours.  Josh called me and asked how things were going. He asked if I was going to be coming home soon. I told him I didn’t know because the nurse and Dr hadn’t been back in. He pointed out that it was 11:30pm. This was news to me. I thought it was maybe 9:30pm. Josh suggested I push the call button. Before I could find the call button (was pretty high on meds so this was a difficult task), the nurse came in and said I could go home.  Finally at 12:30, (6.5 hours after I arrived) I was discharged.

I have since broke up with my neurologist and started going to a pain clinic. So far I like them a lot. They will continue to give me Botox, but are hoping to help me find other more natural alternatives.

The Run

Ok so I use to run a lot. 10ks or more 3-5 times a week. I was training for a half marathon.  Then stopped running for a while. My hubby, Josh, thought it was a great idea to sign me up for a 5K. Piece of cake or so I thought.  I didn’t do any training. I kept putting it off. 3+ miles seemed like nothing compared to what I use to run (10 plus miles).

Josh wanted to take Memphis to the drag races on Saturday, so I asked Piper if she wanted to run with me. She said yes. I should point out now that the last 5K (a Girls Scout event) was stressful for me. I knew Piper could push more, but didn’t. I know how my parents felt when I didn’t apply myself in school.  Piper agreed to run with me.

I didn’t look up anything about the race ahead of time. I just showed up when and where Josh told me to.  Piper and I walk up to the sign up table and realized something.  We were at a Black Baptist event. Let me point out I am a good Methodist. I sit in the last row and enjoy a good cover dish dinner. Were we ever out of place!!!!!  I called Josh and said “ You signed me up for a race called ‘Swagga” and didn’t tell me?” He said he didn’t understand.  I then said you know  “swagger” is not a white chick term”.  All he could do was laugh. He said he understood if we wanted to come home. I said “No we are already here. We are already here. “ Plus I got a free t-shirt.

Piper and I were 2 of 5 Caucasian people there (one was 90 and held a world record). I guess it’s good to feel what it’s like to be a minority. We ran the race and experienced several  positive encouragements. Piper did well. We finished in 48 minutes. I know I could have finished in under 30 minutes, but getting to finish with my 7 year old daughter was worth it. She had asthma trouble and a lady offered to walk with her. But she pushed through. I am very proud of her.  We were cheered on by many and it encourage Piper to run a little faster. Now she is wanting to do another  5k. Maybe one day we will do a marathon together.

Here We Go Again- Another Visit to the Vet

Both dogs had “issues” so I made a vet appointment. I dread the vet’s office. Not because they aren’t nice or anything that could be their fault. I hate going because of my own dogs. I have one big dog (Roscoe) who drags me around and one small pug (Pepe) who has to smell everything. That coupled with the poop/blood incident last time, leads to my anxiety.

So we will start with Roscoe. He was itchy! Not normal scratching every once in a while. Constant scratching! He had a few fleas and that made his sensitive skin (he is sensitive through and through) go crazy. He licks his boy bits and thumps his legs at that the same time. Very disturbing! He chews on his butt until it’s naked.  If you fuss at him, he goes to the other room and continues his activities.

Pepe has a growth on her eyelid. It causes huge eye boogers. So gross!!!! It also is causing her eye to be irritated. Nothing normal can happen to my dogs.

So to the vet we went. They loved the car ride. I let them out of the car at the vets and they both went in separate directions. When I finally got them inside, the vet techs felt so bad for me they took me straight to a room.

First came the nail clippings. Pepe took it like a brave girl. Roscoe shook like a leaf. Then Pepe was checked out. Everything was good except for her eye. She has even lost weight.  Roscoe came next. He had a skin rash, hot spot, and… Well this one will take some explaining. Roscoe has what we call “the pocket” It really is a pocket between his boy bits and bellybutton. It’s so gross. He fills it with slobber. Well, he has licked himself so much that he gave himself a yeast infection in his “pocket”.  His hot spot had to be shaved so now he has a naked butt. All he wanted to do was get out of there. All Pepe wanted to do was rub in his face that she didn’t have the issues that he did. She kept getting in his face and barking.

Pepe was up again. She had to be checked out to make sure she was healthy enough to have surgery. The vet took her out of the room to take some blood, check her eye for ulcers and check the pressure on her eye. Have you ever seen a pug’s eye? There is definitely pressure there.  So anyway, apparently Pepe didn’t mind having her blood sucked out of her. It was the dye that they put in her eye (to check for ulcers) that angered her. From what I was told she went crazy and tried to bite the vet. There are no Hallmark cards to apologize for that. After all that we found out she is healthy enough to have surgery, even though she is 13 years old. Now we just have to figure out if she is worth the money. Just kidding. I feel she is worth every penny, but to Josh thinks she out priced herself years ago.

I am happy to report that they are both doing better. Roscoe isn’t scratching himself anymore. The licking is still an issue but he is a guy. Pepe’s eye isn’t inflamed anymore since we started the eye drops. Now to schedule the surgery.

        

Frank and Beans

This is a warning- guys you may find this blog painful. Read with caution.
So one night I told Memphis to go put on his pjs. He has a pair of monkey footies pjs that he loves. I have to admit he looks pretty darn cute in them. A few minutes after he went into his room, he came screaming out to the livingroom. It turns out that he zipped himself in his zipper. Did Josh jump up to help? NO! He was too busy laughing. So I had to unzip him. All Josh would say was “Did he get the beans above the frank?” (From the Movie Something About Mary) The answer is no everything was in the right place. I went to get Memphis an ice pack, but he freaked out. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Finally he told me, he didn’t want the ice pack on his bare boy bits. I had to explain to him that there was no way my ice pack was going on his bare boy bits and he could hold it on top of his pjs. This made him a little happier. He spent the rest of the evening walking gingerly around with an ice pack. No lasting damage was done thankfully.

Throwback Thurs.- MOVE OVER MURPHY!

Note: This blog was written in September 2011.

Murphy’s Law- Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Murphy is so last year! I would like to introduce you toStephy’s Law.This law states that anytime you take me on a vacation with you multiple things will not go as planned. Not wrong per say, well okwho I am kidding, things go wrong, but usually only minor things.Here I sit in Las Vegas by the pool enjoying 103 degree heat (its a dry hear so I have my fur coat on), and reflecting on our trip so far. Come take a stroll down memory lane with me. Put on those walking shoes, but as I have already stated any trip with me turns into quite a trip.

Lets go all the way back to when Josh and I booked our plane tickets. His company was paying for his so he had to go through their website and we were using saved up miles for my ticket, so I had to go through another. So there we sat each with our own laptops, like the dork-alicous couple we are and carefully picked flights together and even seats together. (Check out that run on sentence) Now fast forward to the airport as were waiting to fly out. The seats on the flight to Atlanta were no where near each other. Josh was in row 37 I was in row 21. I was excited. Yes, folks excited. Although we had been split up, I thought my luck was changing. Usually I was the one who gets the crummy seat at the back of the plane. Josh on the other hand is upgraded to first class. Plus it was only a 30 minute flight, so we felt we could survive apart that long. We end up having to run to catch our connecting flight. We got on the plane and realized there was an isle separating us. So when the lady with the seat next to me got on the plane, we politely asked her to switch. Not a hesitation. Not a thought. She just said “No, I need to sleep.” Well ok then. So Josh and I shrugged no biggie. This is when things get interesting. Two of the dumbest people have obtained the seat behind me. Not surprisingly the sleepy lady turns out to be a ummmm… how do I put this nicely.Ok so the queen bee (or B) had an itch. Well, so the extremely dumb people behind me found something to be extremely funny and started laughing extremely loud. This woke up the ever so pleasant Queen Bee beside me. She first said “Shhhhhhhh”. When that didn’t work she leaned and slammed herself against her seat. I really wanted to turn around and say “ I’m with that guy over there and not her”. Well, the Dummies took the body slam as a challenge. So I was stuck in a passive aggressive war zone for the next 45 minutes.

The next little bit went well. We arrived at the Hooters Casino and Hotel (or the Hooter Hut as I lovingly refer to it) in one piece with our luggage. We went to check in to our room and were told the previous occupants have just checked out (7:30pm) and our room should be ready in half an hour. We decided to grab a bite to eat to pass the time. Eventually, we got a room and decided to stay in and relax. Our room had other plans. Upon opening the door , we were greeted by the sound of a helicopter hovering (our ac) and toilet running. Josh, like the pro he is, takes care of the toilet by get this- jiggling the handle. My hero. He was unable to fix the ac. We were too tired to really care too much. Turns out the sounds of a helicopter hovering is a lot like the sound a train going by- its annoying but you get use to it.

Things again went well for a while. Then I got a tummy bug. No upchucking or anything, just feeling incredibly ill. The kind of illness where you write a list of pros and cons of hurling to decide if you would just be better off getting it over with. The cons won this time. I based my decision on the fact that we were in (yes in) the Hoover Dam and all the people stuck in the tunnel might find a vent and throw me out. So the next few days I took it easy and downed a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Nothing like pink chalk to make you feel better.

Now on the last day, I am finally feeling better. Thanks Murphy, I mean Stephy. So who wants to travel with me next? If you mention this blog, I will wave my usual fees and all you will have to pay is my travel, lodging, entertainment and eating expenses.

I leave you with this bit of Las Vegas knowledge that I have acquired in the lady‘s room at a casino. “Vegas has the nicest toilet paper. The kind you would buy for your own home.” Now take this tidbit with a grain of salt because prior to this statement the lady also said “Wow, I feel like the stall is moving.”

Viva Las Stephy!

One Hell of a Vet Visit

Ok so I have told you all about my pug and the embarrassing and gross things she does. If you haven’t read that blog here’s the link https://thenuttybrowns.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/a-pug-named-pepe/ . It will help explain a little further why that one vet visit is just another day of complete shame as a dog owner. I resisted the urge to post this, but my hubby who didn’t have to go through the ordeal said I should. So here it goes. Feel free to laugh at my pain.
So Pepe, our pug, has bad habits that you learned about in the last blog. I left one out. It also has to do with poo. It all started back when I was pregnant with Piper and didn’t have Roscoe (our other dog I will get to him in a minute). When out in public, Pepe chooses to poop at the worse time possible. Not only does she poop, but she does it on the move as if nothing is happening. We were at a dog celebration in Uptown Charlotte. We though it was great dog to pay homage to our number one pup. How does she thank us? Buy pooping in the middle of a crowed sidewalk while walking along cool calm and collected.. So at first we didn’t know what was going on until we smelled the stench. Nothing like having to bag your dogs poop in a crowd over a ten foot distance. Josh found the whole thing funny but refused to act like he knew us for a little while.
Let me share a little bit about Roscoe then I promise to explain what happened at the vet. Roscoe is a male but more of a girl than Pepe will ever be. He is a German Sheppard/Mastiff/Sissy mix. We truly love him, but he has some issues. Issue number 1- Low brain cell count take exhibit A Once he “scooted” his way through a brier patch. No he didn’t stop and no I did not check for splinters. Issue 2- Habit for pooping in the middle of the front yard while most of our neighbors are going to work and then in the evening when they are coming home. Issue 3- The only thing he isn’t afraid of is birds that are flying away from him. If they don’t move or come toward him he pees his imaginary pants. Issue 4- He cries if you tickle his feet. Big sissy La La! And issue 5- He loves to rub up and down our couch in a very disturbing perverted way. The couch has taken a restraining order on him. It truly is a dreadful sight. Other than that he is a great dog.
So now on to the vet visit. We get to the vet and I leave the dogs in the car to sign them in. Roscoe walks full force and Pepe stops to smell everything. Not a good combo so I put off dragging them both in as long as I can. When I walk back out to my car, Roscoe is in the driver’s seat and has snotted every square inch of my window. Pepe is barking like crazy.
I finally get them moving the right direction and Roscoe runs Pepe over causing her to barrel roll. I’m pretty sure he was laughing as he did it. The Vet tech came in and said it was time to get their weight. Pepe goes out steps up on the scale and sits. Perfect! Hmmm.. maybe a little too good of a start. Then it is Roscoe’s turn. It takes everything the vet tech and I have to push him up there and hold him long enough to get the reading. By this point he is shaking like crazy and ready to go home. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what was about to happen to him.
We go back to our room. They try to get a fecal sample from Pepe. No luck. So we move on to Roscoe. Although completely embarrassed and shaking he takes it all like a champ. Then comes the nail clipping; Roscoe hates this part. So instead of standing still and just getting it over with he kicks and moves around. As we got to the last nail we smell something awful. Toxic waste worthy. Pepe is pooping and walking around the room like nothing is going on. Then Roscoe kicks as his nail is being cut and starts squirting blood. So one dog is crapping the other is shooting blood.And both dogs are running around the room stirring and spreading the mixture. Complete chaos. I was waiting to be escorted to the nearest door and told never to return. Instead the vet tech said “Well, we have a good fecal sample now” She was also impressed with how little attention Pepe displayed to the act of pooping. If you have seen the movie Ted, you will recognize the line that was stuck in my head “There is a shit on my floor”.
The rest of the visit went well and we are still allowed to come back. I did honestly ask if it was ok to still use them as our vet.
So who wants to take my dogs out in public for me?

Throw Back Tues.- Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad

I know I usually do throw back stories on Thurs. but I wanted to post this one while I remembered it. Josh and I were shopping at a Wine and Beverage Store and he was actually the one who brought up this blog entry. Enjoy!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

 

Bet you’re wondering why I am lying here on the garage floor in a puddle of wine (Bald Head Red to be exact). Well, if you know me well enough this might not seem so strange. I’ll explain anyway though. Let us review the past few weeks- Piper got sick, I closed my shop, a beloved teacher passed away, Memphis got sick with an unexplainable illness, and I am organizing a Natural Living Fair. During this time plenty of good things (more than bad things actually) happened as well, but they don’t explain the wine quite as nicely. Now that the wine makes sense, I have to try to explain the rest.
I wish there was some great event that took place. For example- I was walking into the garage when all of the sudden I was charged by a pink rhino. But that didn’t happen. So here it goes- the truth. I had gone out for a little time by myself. I was in a great mood. One my way home, I stopped by the store to pick up some wine. As I was leaving the store, the neatest storm was starting. The kind where you see the rain moving towards you before it gets to you. By the time I got home, it was pouring. My loving hubby comes out to help me inside. I take off running; wine in hand (still in the bag thank goodness). As I step into the garage, I realize water and flip flops don’t mix and I try to stop. Apparently inertia didn’t get the memo. Kaboom! Down I went, like a lead balloon. (Who buys a lead balloon anyway?) My feet decided it was a good time for a flight lesson and my head and back wanted to experience gravity at its best.
I interrupt this message for a message to my mom- Mom, I am OK. I didn’t even require a trip to the ER. Josh is taking good care of me. Now it was time to lie still and take inventory: a good case of whiplash- check, a bruised elbow-check, a broken right butt cheek- check, dog poo on my back (but most importantly not in my hair)- check, mental note to kill Pepe- check, dignity- oh crap where is that? I can’t seem to find it anywhere.
I am sorry to report one of the three bottles of wine didn’t fair as well as I did. But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.